Towards Personal Effectiveness - Handling Toxic Relationships

Life is a web of relationships. It is hardly possible for anyone to achieve anything tangible in life without the help of other people. That is why we have to cherish and nurture the ones we have and go out of our way to cultivate new ones constantly in order to remain relevant in the scheme of things.
It is amazing how some people get themselves tangled in the web of some toxic relationship which destroy more that it adds to their lives, but yet, cannot get out because of the grip the other person has on them. Not all relationships are beneficial. Some are toxic from the onset while others become toxic somewhere along the line. One of the characteristics that mark out a toxic relationship is when you realize that you are no longer in control of your actions. This can be particularly appalling especially if the other person becomes dictatorial, threatening fire and brimstone whenever you try to do things your own way. There is a flipside to that however. If you realize that the person you are in a relationship with is hardly able to make any decision without involving you, you should beware! This could be a sign that this person:

• Lacks confidence in themselves, which means that they are going to be looking up to you most of the time for guidance and direction.

• Lacks a sense of security in themselves and everything they represent which make them want to cling to other people for emotional support.

• Has a habit of forcing themselves on people.

It is important to note that while you may think this person needs you in order to survive, every healthy human adult should have a certain degree of independence. One of the hallmarks of maturity is the ability to handle things like key decisions concerning issues that affect your life without external interference.
So how do you detach yourself from a toxic relationship?
There is no easy way to ease yourself out of a relationship that takes more than it gives you. However, it is advisable to start with subtle, non verbal hints which will let the other person know that you’ve had enough of their crap.
Have you tried the silent treatment? It works like magic, not without stirring up resentments though. Before you go ahead with the silent treatment, be sure that you really want to cut all ties – present and future – with the other party involved. Stop returning their calls. When they call, keep it as brief as possible. When they complain about your silence, let them know that you have been quite busy lately. Make them think you have extra workload at work; your boss has travelled out of the country and you have to fill in for her. With time, they will get used to not seeing and/or hearing from you.

Cut the privacy! People who tend to control others will most likely do it in private. If this is the case with you, ensure that this person no longer get the chance to have a private moment with you. Make sure that you surround yourself with as many people as possible. Whenever you have to meet with them, ensure that at least one more person is present. You should however have a readymade explanation for the other person’s presence so that it doesn’t look like you are trying to cut them off. Remember, the goal is to get this person off your back without letting them know what you are trying to do. As such, you have to be very subtle in your actions.

Stop being available! There is no better turn off for domineering persons than an ever busy schedule. If you are not available to them for a while, they’ll have to fill their time with something or someone else other than you, and that’s the truth! Make them realize that more responsibilities have been added to your work in the office, or that your boss travelled and you have to fill in for her. Better yet, you could hide under a family emergency which requires your immediate undivided attention. Whatever excuse you choose to give, do not make it look like you are trying to avoid them.
Last but not the least, get confrontational. I would recommend this only after you have tried the first three methods and they refused to get the message. Call them up on their controlling behaviour and let them know straight on that you want it to stop right away. This may be unpleasant but you will have to do it anyway.
Cheers!

Towards Personal Effectiveness II

The power of consistency

... It is not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives. It is what we do consistently – Anthony Robbins


The word consistency to the contemporary mind might readily be interpreted to mean rigidity, stagnancy and resistance to change. However, without consistency in one’s personal life, you might find yourself readily tossed here and there by the wind of different concepts that evolve on a daily basis. The key to remaining focused and achieving one’s life goals is being consistent in the underlying principles that shape your thoughts and beliefs.


Your Mission Statement will help you to focus on your goal in life. It is never too early and never too late to write one, that is, if you do not yet have one. In fact, the earlier you determine your life’s mission, the better, as it will help you to avoid living a life of trial and error. A standard personal mission statement should tell you where you ought to be in terms of career, relationship/family, social status, financial capacity etc at a particular point in time. It should also tell you what your ultimate life goal is; how you want to conclude your life. Mind you, your mission statement is not a rigid document. While it tells you where you should be and when, the question of ‘how’ is one that you can answer in more than one ways (depending on your level of creativity).


Establishing a Personal Identity for yourself early in life will help you to remain true to who you are irrespective of the time or circumstances. It all boils down to the same idea of living a principled life. Your personal identity should be established on a given set of life principles on which your thoughts and actions are anchored. For instance, if you believe in the principle of fairness (treating everyone with respect irrespective of their age, intellectual capacity or social status), you would not look down on those who are not as intelligent as you are – no matter how dumb they may act on certain occasions.


You can not be half here and half there. You have to understand importance of being in one place at a time, and standing for one thing in particular. You can not afford not to take sides. In any given situation, you must form an opinion, and be bold enough to make it known to everyone that cares to listen. Remember, the most important thing is for you to be consistent in your opinion in whatever given situation you are in, such that, over time, without having to ask you, people will be able to guess what your take will be on a particular situation. Consistency in words and actions builds a reputation for you and earns you respect with people. It makes people look up to you as a leader (provided your decisions are grounded on principles and not sentiments). Remember the popular saying: if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. If you do not have a ground to stand on, other people will use you to channel their own opinions (at your own detriment!).


Be careful not to contradict yourself because you can’t be somewhere where you are not. What ever it is you stand for, be sure to confidently defend it irrespective of the opinions of others. When you contradict yourself, people tend to lose faith and confidence in you, and might find it difficult to entrust you with responsibilities of any kind. Before you speak on any subject and/or issue, think twice about what you are about to say; about it’s impact and/or consequences on those concerned and the situation on ground. You need to be very sure before you open your mouth so that you don’t have to counter yourself later.


The constantly evolving world of the 21st century has made achieving one’s life goals seem like shooting at a moving target, which requires a high level alertness, swiftness as well as constant adaptation to the demands of the times. In achieving this, you have to be constantly on your feet, adapting your life’s mission statement to the demands of the times. Being grounded in solid principles will help you to maintain your identity irrespective of the time and season.

Towards Personal Effectiveness

Maintaining Your Integrity


This article is the first in a series that is aimed towards ensuring personal effectiveness. Personal effectiveness is something that begins on the inside. What we present to the outside world for people to see is only a tip of what we really are. It is not strange to find that some people just do not fit in wherever they go, not because they are not good at what they do, but because of certain personal traits that drives everyone around them crazy, and lowers people’s confidence in their ability. One of these traits is lack of integrity.

Integrity has been defined as the possession of firm principles: that is, the quality of possessing and steadfastly adhering to high moral principles or professional standards (Microsoft Encarta Dictionary, 2008). Another definition also says that it the quality of being honest and fair. Integrity makes people have confidence in you, even in the most hopeless of situations. It makes people defend you in your absence. Integrity is built on reputation, that is, what you have been known for over a period of time. It is not just about what you say, but what you do, especially when no one is watching.

The issue of personal integrity encompasses virtually every aspect of one’s personality and character. In this article, I am going to deal in part with the aspect that has to do with relationship with people.

• Never misrepresent the truth, even when you are tempted to do so.

The fact is you are bound to get caught sooner or later. By lying, you make the problem a part of the future when you could have put it behind you by dealing with it right away. People will not be able to completely trust you anymore once you have been caught in a lie. Why then would you want to stake your reputations on one little lie? It is not worth it, is it?

Half truths, white lie, play on words, tacit denial or simply misrepresenting the truth all fall in the same category: LIE! For you to be an effective liar, you will have to keep a journal of the lies you have told so you could defend them whenever they come up. But would you be able to do that? And even if you could, wouldn’t you rather do something productive with your time and energy? Think about it.

• Idle chatter? No! No!

This is a major time waster. Idle chatter never results in anything productive. When you talk about people behind their backs, you are setting yourself up for an unpleasant confrontation. Remember how you felt the last time you heard that someone made a snide comment about you in your absence? How was your relationship with them afterwards? What is your opinion of them?

The truth is, idle chatter not only wastes your precious limited time, but also puts a big dent on your integrity. If you have an issue with someone, why don’t you talk it over with them? Though they might find it a little uncomfortable initially, but they will hold you in high esteem for even having the courage to walk up to them.

Let your conversations be focused on achieving a particular goal. There is nothing wrong with keeping your mouth shut if you do not have anything meaningful to say. Shallow thoughts belittle you in the eyes of others.

Tip: next time you feel like discussing someone in their absence, stop and ask yourself these questions:

1. Would I be able to repeat what I am about to say in their presence word for word, without any embarrassment?

2. Would he/she be offended if they know that I am discussing them with a third person?

3. Am I sharing this information about them with another person because I am seeking for a solution to a particular problem?

4. Is this information I am about to share going to cause the other person embarrassment?

5. By sharing this information, would I be betraying someone’s trust and confidence?

If you would not engage in idle conversations, then it is only fair that you do not encourage friends and colleagues to bring you tales about others or to engage in such talks when you are around. When they come to you about such mindless talks, you could discourage them by asking them to confront the person directly.

• Be true to your word.

Making empty promises is one of the fastest ways to lose credibility with people. It is better not to promise at all than to fall short of what you promised. As the saying goes: Under Promise and Over Deliver! This way, you will reduce the chances of disappointing people. Everyone likes to be seen as reliable, so, regardless of the circumstances, DO NOT go back on your words. Be honest when you know that what is being demanded of you cannot be done. You might hurt people’s feelings in the short term but over time, they will learn to rely on whatever you say as the gospel truth.

• Timing is everything.

Keeping to time takes a lot of hard work and self discipline. Being punctual for meetings and appointments gives the impression that you are a serious minded person. If you are going to be late, call in advance to let the other person/group of persons know with genuine reasons. Punctuality shows seriousness and impresses others and yourself. It also puts you in a vantage position especially during business meetings or negotiations.

To be continued...

Active Listening

 

Listening is as important as speaking in the communication process. Communication and connection has not taken place until both the speaker and the listener have the same understanding regarding the object of discussion. Listening is an art. It is a process of taking and processing verbal information from another source. Competent listening requires focused attention.

Active listening is a structured way of listening and responding to others, paying complete attention to the speaker. Active listening requires one to suspend his own frame of reference, judgement and evaluations of what is being said as well as other mental ruminations which may interfere with his ability to pay attention to the speaker.

What are the Elements of Active Listening?

Active listening is a method that requires the listener to understand, and respond to what they hear in order to foster mutual understanding. More often than not, people do not listen attentively to what is being said because they are distracted, pondering about other things, or thinking about how they are going to respond especially in conflict situations. The process of active listening involves:

• Comprehension: This is the first step in the listening process. Comprehension refers to the ability to grasp the meaning of something. In conversation, it refers to shared meaning between the speaker and the listener. The biggest challenge for the listener is accurately identifying and interpreting the meaning of words used in the context of the conversation. Ask questions on issues that require more clarification. The whole essence of the communication process will be lost if the listener does not understand most the information being passed across. If you need more explanation, ask the speaker to explain further, giving relevant examples if it will help.
• Retention: The ability to remember accurately, the details of what is being said is very important in conversation because the information we retain during the listening process helps to formulate the appropriate response to what is being said. Maximum retention takes place when you listen with your full attention on the speaker’s message.
• Feedback: Feedback is another important aspect of active listening, as listening is a two way process.  You could paraphrase what you have heard in order to be sure that what you heard is what the speaker really meant. Note that you do not necessarily have to agree with the speaker’s point of view. By paraphrasing, you are only restating the speaker’s words for the sake of confirmation. Restating what was said allows you to listen for unsaid words and underlying emotions especially in emotionally charged conversations. Thus, the listener may use the opportunity to acknowledge the emotions of the other person (anger, excitement, etc). Feedback could be given through verbal expression of t  houghts, comments and suggestion regarding what is being said. It could also take the form of other non verbal forms like nodding the head to signify agreement, or simply adjusting your body language to suit the mood of the conversation. Ask relevant questions to show that you are really listening to what is being said.

When practicing active listening,

Try not to make any evaluations or inferences about what is being said until the speaker is done, as your thoughts, whether positive or negative will most likely be visible to the other person(s) through your facial expressions.  Making judgement calls and inferences early about what is being said could shut down your listening early, preventing you from hearing important aspects of the what is being communicated. It’s best to keep your thoughts open, following the speaker as the conversation unwinds. 

Listen to the entire message before giving a response. This will let you hear everything that is being said. Cutting the speaker off with your own thoughts or letting your mind wander off to some other issues while the conversation is still on will take you away completely from the conversation. Besides, you would miss valuable information while your mind is busy with something totally unrelated to what is being said.

Showing a respectf
 ul understanding for the experiences of others is an important aspect of active listening. People tend to communicate clearly and more effectively when they feel that the listener understands what and how they feel. It is therefore crucial for the listener to show empathy for views of the speaker in order to facilitate free exchange of information.

Non verbal cues from the speaker may offer you more insight into what the speaker is trying to communicate as it has been affirmed that about 75% of communication takes place through non-verbal means. Listen beyond the words: Does the tone of voice match what is being said? Is the speaker’s posture relaxed or rigid? Is the verbal and non verbal communication consistent? Does he/she maintain eye contact?

Lastly, get rid of any form of distractions that may interfere with your conversation like a TV programme, an unfinished project, or a ringing cell phone. Do away with personal emotions during conversation. Ask questions and paraphrase back to the speaker to clarify understanding. Maintain appropriate eye contact.

Benefits of Active Listening:

Effective listening helps to get people to open up and say more, especially in situations where emotions are running high and people tend to get on the defensive and withdraw.

Active listening helps people to avoid misunderstandings and resolve conflicts faster as it involves accurate un
derst

 anding of what the other person has said.

The ability to practice active listening can improve interpersonal relationships as it fosters understanding and strengthens bonds.

In teams, active listening helps to strengthen cooperation among team members through improved communication and better understanding. Active listening fosters cooperation and builds trust due to the fact that it totally erases misunderstanding. People tend to respond favourably when they feel that the other person is positively attuned to their feelings.

Launch Out!

When you look back at the kind of life you have lived at the age of sixty, what would go through your mind: Regret or contentment? Both are possible depending on how you handle your affairs while you still have the opportunity to.

As easy as it may sound, it takes a lot of determination and hard work to chart your course in life. Swimming against the currents requires great strength and stamina (emotionally and physically), but that is not all. Perhaps the most important quality you would need is the ability to think and act proactively with the little you have. Rome was not built in a day. You will not become a success overnight. Being a successful person takes a lot of preparation and hard work. It will be foolhardy for one to spend all his time sleeping and dreaming of becoming a success in an examination without doing anything to prepare himself for that particular examination. In the same vein, a person hoping to be promoted into a managerial position without proactively equipping himself for that position will be doing himself a great disfavour. Lucky breaks hardly have anything to do with luck. It is usually a result of a prepared individual meeting with an opportunity he has been waiting for.

“He that observeth the wind shall not sow; and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap”

 It is futile to wait for ‘the perfect time’ as the perfect time may never come. Take proactive steps towards that life long dream of yours. Start with the little you have and channel it towards the direction of your dreams. Until you choose o launch yourself out, you just might not come across that perfect opportunity. It is difficult to convince people to invest in your dreams until you have proven that you could be trusted to profitably manage the little you have.

“For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath”.

Make use of your resourcefulness and initiative. Success is not all about physical cash and resources. Even if you have it all, you will need people to put them into productive use. This is why you have to build yourself a strong network of people who can be a positive influence on your life’s goals. Money does not grow legs. It is people that carry them around. Building and maintaining the right relationships will help you to achieve a considerable measure of success in business and career.

Wherever you end up in life remains your sole responsibility. History is fraught with stories of men and women who have risen from nothing to limelight through sheer determination and hard work.

To your success!