Towards Personal Effectiveness - Handling Toxic Relationships

Life is a web of relationships. It is hardly possible for anyone to achieve anything tangible in life without the help of other people. That is why we have to cherish and nurture the ones we have and go out of our way to cultivate new ones constantly in order to remain relevant in the scheme of things.
It is amazing how some people get themselves tangled in the web of some toxic relationship which destroy more that it adds to their lives, but yet, cannot get out because of the grip the other person has on them. Not all relationships are beneficial. Some are toxic from the onset while others become toxic somewhere along the line. One of the characteristics that mark out a toxic relationship is when you realize that you are no longer in control of your actions. This can be particularly appalling especially if the other person becomes dictatorial, threatening fire and brimstone whenever you try to do things your own way. There is a flipside to that however. If you realize that the person you are in a relationship with is hardly able to make any decision without involving you, you should beware! This could be a sign that this person:

• Lacks confidence in themselves, which means that they are going to be looking up to you most of the time for guidance and direction.

• Lacks a sense of security in themselves and everything they represent which make them want to cling to other people for emotional support.

• Has a habit of forcing themselves on people.

It is important to note that while you may think this person needs you in order to survive, every healthy human adult should have a certain degree of independence. One of the hallmarks of maturity is the ability to handle things like key decisions concerning issues that affect your life without external interference.
So how do you detach yourself from a toxic relationship?
There is no easy way to ease yourself out of a relationship that takes more than it gives you. However, it is advisable to start with subtle, non verbal hints which will let the other person know that you’ve had enough of their crap.
Have you tried the silent treatment? It works like magic, not without stirring up resentments though. Before you go ahead with the silent treatment, be sure that you really want to cut all ties – present and future – with the other party involved. Stop returning their calls. When they call, keep it as brief as possible. When they complain about your silence, let them know that you have been quite busy lately. Make them think you have extra workload at work; your boss has travelled out of the country and you have to fill in for her. With time, they will get used to not seeing and/or hearing from you.

Cut the privacy! People who tend to control others will most likely do it in private. If this is the case with you, ensure that this person no longer get the chance to have a private moment with you. Make sure that you surround yourself with as many people as possible. Whenever you have to meet with them, ensure that at least one more person is present. You should however have a readymade explanation for the other person’s presence so that it doesn’t look like you are trying to cut them off. Remember, the goal is to get this person off your back without letting them know what you are trying to do. As such, you have to be very subtle in your actions.

Stop being available! There is no better turn off for domineering persons than an ever busy schedule. If you are not available to them for a while, they’ll have to fill their time with something or someone else other than you, and that’s the truth! Make them realize that more responsibilities have been added to your work in the office, or that your boss travelled and you have to fill in for her. Better yet, you could hide under a family emergency which requires your immediate undivided attention. Whatever excuse you choose to give, do not make it look like you are trying to avoid them.
Last but not the least, get confrontational. I would recommend this only after you have tried the first three methods and they refused to get the message. Call them up on their controlling behaviour and let them know straight on that you want it to stop right away. This may be unpleasant but you will have to do it anyway.
Cheers!